Space of Love

Yesterday, a close friend took her final breaths.  It feels as if there is a Carrie shaped hole in my heart. I will miss my friend and our friendship. 

Just a few weeks ago, as she began her final physical decline, I had the first of three visits with her.   On the way over, I noticed myself feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. Would I know what to say, how to react and respond? I was unsure what to expect with regards to her condition. 

Her husband answered the door. Full of emotion, I sat down next to her and we began the visit. Immediately, I slipped into the present moment and the worries and discomforts of the drive over melted away.  What was left, was just that moment together. And the series of moments that followed. 

This time with my dear friend with whom I had shared many hikes, meals, Thanksgivings, and deep conversations, felt precious and surreal.  

We shed a few tears together, which in a way, felt really good. No need to hold back.  We chuckled and reminisced. Over the 25 years of our friendship, we  watched each of our kids grow up. We enjoyed the times up at our cabins (located on the same street). We had a few adventures. We shared many personal stories. 

I spilled a cup of water. I gave her a copy of my new book. We talked about the mystery novel she just completed. She still had plans. Her husband was going to get her book, Merely Bones,  published while she was still alive to see it. I had been hearing about her book since she had the first glimmer of inspiration to write it. 

Catching up. As always. But not as always. This was a bittersweet catching up. The end of her life loomed in the much too distant future. 

Physically, my friend was a fraction of her former self. But behind her eyes, she was still the friend I had always enjoyed. I still sensed that Carrie sparkle. Her life force had not been extinguished yet. 

I'm really glad I didn't let discomfort stop me from visiting.  I'm so grateful to have had a final long lunch type visit with her. With each subsequent visit, Carrie became weaker and the visits grew shorter. 

In reflection, through tears,  I see that each moment of connection had a beauty to it. These were our last moments together as friends and though she declined dramatically, her beautiful spirit shined through until my very last visit. 

Connection.

That space that exists in the energy between two friends. Feels like a Space of Love. 

I will miss you Carrie Bell. Thank you for sharing that space with me.