Imagination
My son Kyle moved into his own home exactly seven months ago. It’s been a wild ride, up and down and all over the place. If you’ve followed my posts for awhile, you know Kyle has autism. He’s almost 38.
Back in 2018, I heard about Luna Azul, a specially designed community soon to be built for adults with special needs. Pretty quickly, we jumped at the opportunity to become part of it. It was literally an answer to our prayers.
As I stood in front of the large plot of empty desert land that would become Luna Azul, there was no way I could have accurately imagined the experience of Kyle moving out of our home and living on his own. For the first time, with support from caregivers, he would live separately from us.
The picture of the future was blurry though my mind jumped at the opportunity to make up scenarios about what this big change in life circumstances might look like for all of us.
There were so many questions. The answers would appear in real time. The questions were interesting and a window to my unsettled thinking.
There were obstacles on the road leading up to Kyle’s move to his home in Luna Azul.
Firstly, there were numerous glitches and delays. The delays were for varied reasons. We changed locations in the community two times before settling on the third location where his house now stands. It turned out for the best on many levels though initially that was not apparent.
I also had someone lined up to be a live in caregiver for Kyle. She had worked with him for a few years. Along the way, I came to realize that was not a good idea on many levels. Some of it was personal and related specifically to some things that unfolded with this girl.
More importantly, I had an aha moment. A moment where wisdom whispered, then shouted: “having one person holding up a house of cards made all the cards vulnerable to collapse.” I saw that I would need a rotation of staff similar to pieces of a puzzle. Each person would have their own special role and relationship with Kyle. If one puzzle piece needed to be replaced, the puzzle could still stay mostly intact.
Despite all the challenges of finding good staff and filling the schedule (it’s still not quite filled 100%), I am very grateful I listened to my wisdom on this one. This was really big.
Then, 2020 threw the world a large curveball. We were deeply affected at my house too. I am grateful we stayed healthy. The days were long and exhausting when Kyle’s day program closed and we lost our home staff for awhile.
In the spring of 2020, after our daily trips to the park, we would drive over to Luna Azul to check for progress on the neighboring property. The two homes next to Kyle’s had to be near completion before his could be started. It felt like watching the clock sometimes. Very slow.
My imagination would strain to picture what it would be like when Kyle actually moved out. The scenes were blurry and exciting, yet also uncomfortable. They came in bits and pieces or sometimes as big screen movies. Isn’t the mind amazing? Made up stories by our vivid imaginations. It’s what the mind does when presented with the unknown future.
It seemed to take forever before the property was ready for the slab. When the slab was finally poured, momentum picked up and in February of 2021, we closed on the house that had been in our dreams for nearly three years.
There were so many details to figure out and things to take care of between closing and Kyle moving in a month later. My mind often raced with rapid fire thoughts, leading to overwhelm.
It is clear in hindsight, the only way I was able to tackle the details was one step at a time. That’s actually the only way life works though we get tricked by our brains into believing it could be otherwise.
Each detail got handled. Timing got figured out. I listened to wisdom. Sometimes I didn’t. It was not a smooth linear path but rather a wind-y one with lots of course corrections.
Six weeks after Kyle moved in, my granddaughter was born and between a quarantine period and being out of town for three weeks, we were away from Kyle for five weeks. There were some issues while we were gone. With Kyle, with staff. We were all still very new at this.
I am again reminded that resilience is a beautiful thing because we all bounced back. There were lessons learned. Everything got figured out in real time, even the events that felt serious and urgent. I handled what I could long distance but the rest was handled by Kyle’s team and others who stepped in for a few moments or minutes or hours to offer hands on support. We got a real time glimpse of the value of living in a community where there was a staff available “just in case”.
If us being away for that long while Kyle was still new living in his home was hard on Kyle (and it probably was), he bounced back and recovered very well.
I reflect on our active imaginations. How the mind likes to create stories for us with the best of intentions to be helpful. It’s great to see that they are stories and often don’t match up to reality when reality actually occurs. Our vivid imaginations are no match for life in real time. Often, they aren’t even helpful but rather, contribute to stress and overwhelm.
It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that we have the amazing ability to tap into our moment to moment wisdom in each situation. There are so many details and dynamics occurring in each moment that we couldn’t possibly be accurate in the prewritten script of our imaginations.
Our minds create stories AND we don’t need to do anything to shhh those stories. We can see them for what they are, even enjoy them. We can take them with a grain of salt when they are scary. Or not. The imagination is often so compelling that we will get sucked in to the movie, complete with stress and a pounding heart. Isn’t the brain amazing?
Eventually we wake up. At some point we find ourselves stepping back into the flow of life where the next step might appear so obvious we notice we are taking it without planning or thinking about it. We find ourselves in action.
Kyle is settled in his home at Luna Azul. He enjoys being part of the community. For the most part, it is a kind and welcoming place. He loves roaming the grounds and hanging out at the clubhouse. Everyone looks out for each other.
Though we are still slightly short staffed, the team we do have is quite wonderful. There may even be a few benefits to being short staffed in that I have my finger on the pulse of things a little more since I have extra time directly caring for Kyle and being part of the day to day management of his home.
I’ve finally carved some space for myself to write.
Kyle is at his house being cared for, but better than that, his life is enriched by people who are not as tired as I had become. They bring fresh enthusiasm, energy and ideas to their time with him. They have each developed their own special relationship with him and are contributing to the management of his home.
It feels really good right now.
Space for me.
Space for Kyle to be an adult living away from his parents.
It had to happen eventually and it is unfolding day by day where I have been able to orchestrate details in a mindful and deliberate way. I’m very grateful for that.
My imagination, as vivid as it is, did not and could not feel or know this feeling.
Life.
In real time.
Unimaginable.